ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
Saturday, April 08, 2006
hey recounts first.
thursday night.
after i posted the previous entry i had this strange urge to run. my bro insisted that he accompany me. so oh well shrugs. but it was rather nice of him. heh. i think it was hard to run with me since my pace was irregular- normal to sprint. sprint to normal. my sis being as lazy as ever wanted to stay at home. hmmm. ran outside the condo, dashed across roads whatsoever. i hate long-d. so i dont understand why i was just pushing myself to run- i was running at a pretty fast pace for 40minutes and as a result nearly tired after that.
i just wanted to continue running and running and running. hoping that i would never run out of energy. hoping that i would regain my strength, my stamina. hoping that the road would lead me to somewhere else. or maybe i was hoping for the opposite. hoping that i would be drained of my energy. hoping that i was continue losing my strenght, my stamina. hoping that the road would lead me to a cliff and i will just run straight off it.
was dying after that. and when we reached home my mum scolded both of us for running so late in the night and not sleeping and having to bathe before we sleep etc.
ended up sleeping on the sofa because after i bathed i tried to sort everything and pray and stuff. and i didnt want to enter the room because my sister's a light-sleeper [like me and mama] and she had an interview the next day.
felt like a stupid idiot the next day. because which crazy person who totally hates long-d goes running for a super long time and drains herself out.
friday. today.
sports fest. met up with hannah and yunxi and waiian. j8 is a pretty good place to go there. except that it is perpetually crowded.
hadley's the champion for sportsfest 2006! i think we won by a large margin. though i didnt bring my housecard so i seriously dont know why i stayed for the whole thing. i should have just gone home right. oh well heck.
was supposed to run 16x50 relay. but when i reached there i asked mich about it then mich said that they were reading out the names for the relay and my name wasnt there. so i was like argh heck. couldnt be bothered to check. not like i would have ran well anyway. was deadbeat after thursday's run. it was a total killer. dindt feel like running too. but hil ran fast. hoho proness. helped hadley to get first! yay.
had people asking me "peiling you stoning arh" or "why you so sian?" or questions about why i was looking so bored and everything. didnt know how to reply so i used smiles to mask it. was sitting right at the end beside waddle because i didnt want to anyone to notice.
after sports fest went home to bathe and grab something to eat. then went over to tiddy's house. stayed over at her house and stayed up till early morning. we were rather worried as to whether we would even make a profit. because we thought that we would make a loss. but hoho, we managed to get make more than 100% profit. so yay. thank God. could see that the gb people tried to sell as much as possible. which was good. i want to chop coconuts next time! elissa wants to chop coconuts too! so fun so fun.
didnt see anyone i know. ): because either 1) they went for raffles trail or 2) they didnt come or 3) they were sick
the stall i patronised the most was the muffin stall. pffft. bought like 3 muffins and 2 hot milo. thanks to sherlyn. hrmph. but it was pretty good. so yeah it wasnt daylight robbery.
went to j8 later with sherlyn. while we were walking we saw this stray cat. and if you dont know, i cannot stand cats. i do not like them. and i was super freaked and i was hiding behind sher. and she went to close to it and STROKED IT. like ahh not again. and the cat followed us for quite a short distance and i was so scared i ran ahead of sher. then she stopped and took pictures of it and started saying how nice the cat was and how pretty it was and how proportionate its face was etc. AND NOW HER PHONE'S BG IS OF THE CAT. screams. how could this happen to me! we walked around and bought sulyns prezzie! yay. and we saw pretty comforters and mattress covers. so nice! ah. i really should kick my sister's bed out when she goes overseas so i can have more space to myself! yay. walking around with sher is fun. hoho.
was worried because sher would be late for band pract and everything. eek. all my fault. drag her here there and everywhere. being late for band pract is a complete nono. and i made her late. ah screams. all my fault. pfft.
band pract.
reached home. bathe. went for band pract. i wasnt supposed to be on duty then keith called me during ora and told me that weijin had stitches on his chin/arm or somewhere because he was iceskating and he fell and someone's blade cut him. ouch. and apparently the person whose blade cut him was a pro so yeah, can imagine how sharp the metal blade was. shall go visit him sometime i guess.
damn weird la. he called me and after hearing my replies keith asked me whether i was jumping around. so i was pretty shocked and said yes, somewhat and he said he could guess it because that's what i always do. hmmm. do i? but anyway i was a little panicky because i told my mummy that i could go for dinner with my uncle [whose flying back to beijing tmr] and band pract was at 5 and i didnt know what time dinner was.
band pract was good. very good. thanks guys.
but somehow it's still not enough.
nothing ever seems to be enough anymore.
dinner.
went to soup restaurant! yay. i tell you my niece and nephew are cute! they are extremely bright and very cute. but theyve got super good genes see. so that explains why. hoho. im a sucker for baby stuff. i go "so cute!" at everything. nevermind. =
------
contemplating keeping a personal blog. where i can say everything explicitly and not burden anyone else.
im sorry if you smsed/IM/emailed me but i didnt reply.
because i really dont know how to answer anymore. i dont know how to reply anymore. i dont know what to say anymore.
to say that im fine would be deceiving myself.
to say that im not okay would be burdening others even more.
there's really nothing i can say.
other than thankyou. i really do appreciate it.
your smses. your IMs. you emails. your tags. your notes. whatsoever.
thankyou.
but as i said before, you can prepare me.
but it's left to me and only me in the end.
when the time comes.
it's my battle.
it's my fight.
-----
im going to start ranting now. after ranting there wont be anything else so you can close this window now. dont say i didnt warn you.
-----
cant believe ng pei ling is putting on a facade now each day. and the mask gets thicker each day.
i dont want to bother others. i dont want to worry others. i dont want to trouble others.
so i wear a mask to mask how i feel inside.
perhaps pride is to blame. i want to me to help myself. other than that, no im not going to accept anything else. other than help from God. but my spiritual level is gradually getting lower.
and if i dont do anything about it sooner or later it cant be salvaged anymore.
i need the strength. i want to soar on wings like eagles. i want to run and not grow tired.
i need internal joy to melt the plastic layers bit by bit.
i feel so fake these few days.
when im with people i'll be the "happy" me. though sometimes i am able to forget some of whatever is troubling me.
once im alone/when they're not around me. my expression changes. everything changes.
and during this time it's really easy to know who really understands me and who doesnt.
people who dont understand me well cant see the difference when im being fake and when im genuinely cheerful.
people who understand me well... they can see the difference right away. or if they're very close to me, by a sentence they can tell straight away.
putting on a facade sucks. it's so tiring. it's mentally draining.
trying to convince yourself that actually you are feeling really high and cheerful and everything.
praying and hoping that no one sees through your layers of plastic masks.
putting on a facade is definitely not an easy thing to do.
i think deep down inside of me i wish someone will rip off the layers of masks mercilessly and pierce through all these layers of disguises.
because only when i see myself bleed will i wake up and stop wallowing in self-deception.
because only when i feel the pain will i jot out of this deep sleep.
i need someone to do just that.
please. someone just strip me of all my disguises.
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
